Confectionery Contraband

Did someone have an unhappy birthday party as a child?


I am feeling the effects of the dragee ban in our environmentally conscientious state as my stash dwindles.
We all love and grew up with these festive confections but it’s illegal to sell the pretty little metallic coated sugar balls that I use with abandon on my decorated cookies and cupcakes. It’s also prohibited to ship them into the state so I cannot buy them online! Something about minute traces of heavy metal. There has never been any documented health problems from ingesting these jewels. Why we are allowed to have gold and silver leaf up the wazoo I do not know.

I wonder if I would be stopped at the airport going through security or if the new body scanners would pick up the small suspicious cylinders in my waistband. I could never be late to catch a plane, however. I would sound like a percussion band running to the gate. I can see it now – airports teaming with well-manicured, dragee-sniffing, poodles all named ‘Fifi’ or ‘Popeye Doyle’ for flights bound for LAX. I could claim ‘Baker’s Profiling’ and be on CNN with Anderson Cooper! Gloria Allred would be my attorney, if she’s not too busy with Tiger’s mistress. Larry will have his people call my people (ok, my answering machine guy) and set up a definite maybe for studio time with those little dragee looking lights all lit up behind me … ‘Go ‘head caller you’re on the line with Pink Martinis and Pearls. What’s your question?’

Dear Mr. No-Fun Napa Lawyer,

Get a grip! These candies are not eaten by the handful and every label I’ve seen says they are for decoration purposes only and they are still not considered toxic. People all over the world, in many cultures, for hundreds of years have happily and joyfully eaten dragees and still do except in California where apparently you are the only one who sees them as evil. I ask you to find your inner child. Make peace with the clown.

Look in your own backyard. You live in Wine Country, for Pete’s sake, where this beverage is readily produced, sold and consumed and is, in itself, considered toxic and addictive to countless others. Mercury in the seafood? I’d start there over dragees. The entire state does not require protection from crunching a few silver balls of sugar on a cookie or cupcake. The time spent on your consumer crusade must have taken months if not years to have strong a
rmed the legislature. Regression therapy would have been a better use of your time and money.

This is what the therapist would have told you ~
‘Now inhale a deep breath and take your index finger and thumb and flick yourself on the forehead, pour yourself a nice glass of a full and fragrant Napa Merlot, hang a fang on some California cheese made from happy cows, and enjoy your patio and beautiful surroundings.’

You have embarrassed me to tell fellow bakers I am a Californian!

As I write, my confectionery contraband is en route from my out-of-state
dealer and will be arriving in unmarked packages so the feds don’t get wind of it. It’s good sh*#. I’ll be selling it on the street for whatever the market will allow. You’ll find me in the alley. Look for the metallic flash under the street light.

To find out what I’m doing with my favorite ‘for decoration purposes only’ confection…


“Takin’ It To The Streets” ~ Doobie Bros.

Comments

  1. Wow that’s just crazy!
    I was going to offer to mail you a bag of them but I see you already have a dealer :O)

  2. You go girl…Aunties United got your back!!! LOL

  3. You are the only reason I even get my favorite silver beads anymore.

    xoxo

    Rebecca June

  4. who sits in the legislature going “let’s outlaw those little silver ball thingies they put on christmas cookies” “yeah, jimbo, let’s do it!”

  5. Hilarious to see someone else in my sittuation. My mom ships them to me from Texas.

    I brought some back over the holidays an was petrified that airport security was going to stop me…

    My mother is a great dealer, her local bake shop has a huge selection of bulk dragees in all sizes an colors. Let me know if you ever need anything!

  6. I just can’t believe this! I have never heard of this. Sometimes I have a hard time finding them, but I was going to say the same thing—-if you ever need them, just let me know. I LOVE those little things 🙂
    XOXO

  7. Are you for real? They are illegal?! That is the craziest thing I have ever heard!

  8. I KNEW you walked on the wild side!
    You risk-taker, You!

  9. Truly, it is a world gone mad when they attack the baker’s cupboard. Who are they protecting? Cigarettes are still for sale aren’t they???? What next, an apple-pie ban? Someone somewhere swallowed a core.

  10. i’m gonna start calling you auntie renegade!!! i’m gonna appreciate those x-mas cookies even more now that i know you are putting your life and reputation on the line for theses little silver bullets!!! =)

  11. let’s face it, if there is a way to go, I’d rather go because of ingesting gold!

    kHm

  12. I did not realize they had stopped selling dragees here…because I haven’t made my cornflake Christmas wreaths in awhile..how ridiculous…now I know what I’ll bring back when I visit my mother in Georgia!